Is it all just a genetic crapshoot?

I love Mr. Jelly Belly more than life itself. Truly, I do. But that sonofabitch is really getting on my last nerve.

As I have mentioned before, Mr. Jelly Belly is my dietary cross to bear. He only eats two vegetables – peas and corn – and the peas must come from a can. He hates ALL fruit (except applesauce). He will only eat white bread and turns his nose up at any whole grain that isn’t brown rice.

Red meat is a daily staple and he refuses to try a ground turkey alternative. He thinks Hamburger Helper is one of the greatest food products on the market. He drinks approximately four liters of Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi every single day and finds water too dull to bother with.

Every morning he drinks a Slim Fast and eats a Nutri-Grain bar; he just can’t get enough refined sugar. If we go out for breakfast, he orders the “Hungry Man Special” – three eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage AND ham. And white toast, of course. Cholesterol? Pfffft.

He laughs in the face of sodium and snacks on Taco-flavored Doritos or barbecue potato chips. Every night. Fast food is his friend.

But none of that is why he’s torquing me off; I’ve come to terms with all that. What’s getting to me is what happened when he participated in a health fair at work last week.

His employer, together with their insurance company, offered free health screening for their employees. They checked BMI, percent of body fat, cholesterol, sugar, blood pressure – all of the usual things.

First of all, he was measured at 6’ tall and weighed in at 230 pounds. Okay, overweight, and his BMI was 31, or “borderline obese”. I hate those BMI classifications. He’s not borderline obese - he’s a very solid 230. No jelly in that beer belly. Which brings me to his percent of body fat: 14. Yes, that’s right - 14% body fat. WTF? According to the provided charts, that is considered “very good” for a young man of 19. Mr. Jelly Belly is 49. I asked him if he was sure their testing instruments were calibrated properly. Acting insulted, he assured me they were.

Overall cholesterol was 173 (where anything under 200 is considered optimum). Bad cholesterol versus good cholesterol? Perfect. Blood glucose levels? Right on the money. Blood pressure? Nothing boiling there.

At this point, I accused him of having someone else’s test results. This got me a rather loud snort and some rude, pompous comments about who might be the better eater in our family.

This really got me to wondering if it’s all just a big old genetic crapshoot. If what we eat or don’t eat really makes that much difference to our health. For our weight, yes, of course it does. And for people who already have a known issue like diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure – then, yes, absolutely, diet will make a big difference to your overall health.

But for the average person, will eating “right” actually prevent you from ending up with heart disease or diabetes if you are somehow genetically vulnerable to getting them? And what if your personal genetics are such that you will NEVER develop those things – then should you even bother with a healthy diet?

Unfortunately, we don’t really have any way of accurately knowing where our genes are going to take us. We can look at family history, sure, but even that doesn’t necessarily give you the whole story. Mr. Jelly Belly’s family is loaded with early-onset heart problems, so you would think that would be an issue for him, as well. But, no; he faithfully keeps his annual physical appointments to make sure there is nothing amiss and so far, so good.

Is he just dodging a future bullet – or is he genetically programmed to not ever develop diet-related health issues?

I guess I’m not personally willing to roll the dice on that one. I’ll keep on doing what I’m doing and hope for the best - and pray Mr. Jelly Belly is bullet-proof.

It amuses Mr. Jelly Belly to no end to see how this irritates me. He has graciously offered to give his dieting advice to those of you who might be in need of his expertise and has asked me to share his favorite tip: When making a bacon sandwich, fry one pound of bacon and split it between two sandwiches. On Wonder bread, not toasted. Add a generous amount of Miracle Whip. Not mayonnaise. Miracle Whip is the key to a good diet.

And there you have it. Diet tips from Superman.